I feel so helpless out of a sudden.

Maybe it just dawn upon me that my only hope that came on the 14 Dec 2005 isn't going to be here anymore.

It's just a feeling. A very strong feeling. Yup, a strong feeling that tells me that hope isn't there anymore.He just left just like that. It was like he was here. But when he realised I broke his promise. He was angry. Than, everything started fading away. Every connection with him was just cut off just like this. I don't even dare to click his name on msn anymore. Not because of guilt that i broke his promise, but it was a strong feeling like he is a stranger to me. So strange till i don't even dare to click his name. But I do wanna know this stranger back. It's that kind of feeling la. Can't really describe.

I am somewhat afraid of the dark.

Psychologically to me, his disappearance to me is like I am in this dark room that used to be a small circle of white light. When he came, it grew slightly bigger and made me felt hope. But now, it's like total darkness. I can't even see my hands. It's worst then mt ophir.

My hope fell.
and I fell as well.

he told me he would be by my side to listen to my woes.
he also told me that he is always there for me no matter what.

He isn't there.

Although I desperately want someone to my listener for awhile. But, somewhat, I trusted him. As in, I only wanted to open up to him. Cos i trusted him. It's just based on instincts.

And I still trust him till now. I made myself believe that he is in a quite demanding school and therefore have no time to spare to listen to a pathetic girl talking about a pathetic life.

But still I would like to thank him for making an appearance in my life. Especially on the 14th dec. Thanks alot. (: At least, he said quite alot of stuffs which im damn sure no one in my entire life would have said to me, like being there for me no matter what. All these la.

Im still trying my hardest to keep my promises to him. It's hard especially when you feel like the promises are actually dead. It's like as if I don't know who am i promising. But after some thought, It turned out to be him cos he was the only one that made me promise him that.

No doubt, he made me cry once. Cos I felt that i was an irritant to him. hoho. In fact, I felt as if I was an irritant to everyone. So yea, I broke down.

I've actually not been talking much this whole week, thoughts about suicide. No matter how, I'll still get to the point of ending my life. But still, you should be glad that I didn't do what i thought (:

In short, I have been fake. I plastered a smile all over my face early in the morning. And make sure the plaster doesn't wear off.